Too Much [Conditional] Love Will Kill You

I Love You

Every so often, my wife ‘advises’ me to go for a long walk.

Is she trying to tell me to shape up? Or does she sense I need to clear my head? I am sure she will love me whether I go or not, but I go because I think I need to do both (and because I like doing what I am told).

As I’m walking, a familiar crime scene unfolds ahead of me. A parent has stopped, pulled their child to the side of the path, and is in the process of telling off the child for something that they have done (or not). 

I see an ice cream splattered on the floor nearby and deduce what might have happened. I am listening to a podcast, so I have to imagine some of the words between them: “sorry”, “do not do that again”, “do you understand?”, “If you do that again…”.

Before I pass them on the pathway, I see the parent open their arms, and the child welcomes the hug. 

“I might not always like what you do, but I will always love you”. 

A parent’s love for their child is unconditional.

Not long afterwards, I arrive at the coffee shop (I’ve been walking for at least 30 minutes, so I’m sure I’ve earned a coffee). And then it hits me. I’ve forgotten my recycled cup, and I’m in a dilemma. I am committed to sustainability — I lead within a school where sustainability is our purpose — but I also need a coffee. 

I ordered the coffee.

Honestly, I do enjoy the coffee. But it made me realise that I might only have conditional love for our lovely planet. And that hurts because I want to help make the world more sustainable. Just one more coffee cup is OK…right?

I (Almost Always) Love My Planet

A little while ago, the Guardian reported that September was the hottest month ever recorded. This follows the hottest July and August.

“Gobsmackingly bananas” is how one scientist describes things just now.

I remain convinced that our children will not judge us kindly for our part in creating this problem or for how we are trying to solve it (or not). In fact, I’ve listened to dozens of children this year who all say that “adults say the right things, but they don’t mean them”.

There’s truth to this. 

We have read many recent news articles worldwide that report the same things about climate action. In Europe, for example, polls show that an overwhelming majority believe climate change is a problem and insist on policies to address it. However, that same support evaporates when these green policies come into force.

People change their minds or go quiet when things become difficult.

 As I write, all around the world, those in power are rolling back climate action initiatives with the implicit support of the people who keep them there. In Britain, for example, widespread support has been in recent years to achieve Net Zero. But that support, according to the FT drops to 16% if this transition means having to contribute financially. Indeed, 54% place a higher priority on the cost of living than on Net Zero.

So, when climate action impacts people personally (financially, at least), people don’t want it as much. It’s conditional.

This should not be a surprising discovery, nor should we be surprised by what our children think about it or us. They are not impressed. Either it is an emergency, or it is not. And we can not have a conditional response if it is an emergency.

Final thoughts

Walking home with these uncomfortable truths, I know I must pay more attention to essential things such as climate action. But it’s also challenging — if it were easy work, we would not need to discuss it. However, we need to work out exactly how much we want it. I don’t think it will ever be unconditional for me (as much as I would like to say otherwise), but I wonder how conditional I may need to be.

Another way of thinking about it might be to remember that if I truly love my kids, I would want to do this, surely? Their love for me may be conditional on my actions. Maybe that thought that’s motivation enough?

My final thought is that conditional love is another great oxymoron!

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Epilogue

I’ve pulled together some moments from my week that I did not think I could weave into my article, but I imagine might resonate with some.

Vignettes…

As I sipped my coffee, I was thinking about other examples of conditional love (and not because my wife keeps asking for me to go for a walk) but because I could see that it is something I need to pay attention to as I do my work.

On safeguarding

This week, I needed to challenge a parent on our campus without a visitor lanyard. They were overtly frustrated and made it clear that they thought I was being pedantic as we walked back to complete a sign-in as a guest as they had forgotten their pass at home. I explained that we needed to do this to keep our children safe.

It felt odd that a parent would wish their children were safe at school but not see the irony in being so dismissive of one of the most basic safeguarding measures when it’s inconvenient.

On education reform

I then had an interesting conversation with a prospective parent about why the school has decided to phase out and replace GCSEs by 2025. The parent generously agreed with all the points I made and the rationale and congratulated the school for our forward thinking. But still insisted that this would be a great thing to do after their child had graduated to avoid any (perceived) impact on their university chances.

This is one example of why education reform is so difficult.

On Equity

I also joined in on a group conversation that violently agreed that the school should have equitable remuneration for everyone doing the same job. But when one colleague asked the group if they would be prepared to reduce their salary to achieve this, the conversation cooled off….

We all want equity, but not as much when there is a personal cost.

On diversity

Later in the week, I met with a concerned parent who wanted to know why we were discussing LGBT+ issues with students in school. I shared that this was entirely consistent with our school mission and values. While this parent shared that they loved the school and its mission, the parent shared that LGBT+ was against their family values and that the school should focus on academics.

We welcome diversity, more so when our values are aligned.