I was recently asked, “What do you regret most in life?”
It is the sort of question that young people often ask old people. So, my first thought was…damn it, I’m getting old!
I didn’t have a good answer then, but here’s what I might have said if I had more time to think about it…
What do I regret?
Being poor from time to time? Not really. Working mucky jobs, like scraping chewing gum from the underside of park benches? Not that much. Swimming in a lake in Borneo, and then looking up and seeing 500 fruit bats sitting on the trees above me, pooping down in the water where I was playing with my friends, mouth open..and then being ill for several weeks afterwards? I honestly don’t regret that either.
But here’s something I do regret:
In ninth grade, this new kid joined our class. In the interest of confidentiality, I’ll call him ”Jimmy.” Jimmy was timid, and when nervous, which was pretty much always, he had a habit of pulling the neck of his school jumper and chewing on it.
He lived on the street near me, and I’m guessing this was one of the reasons I was asked to be his school buddy.
At school (a school very different from ours here), Jimmy was mostly ignored and occasionally teased about his jumper chewing. I could see this hurt him, and I still remember the way he’d look after it happened: eyes cast down, cringing, as if having just been reminded of his place in things. He was trying, as much as possible, to disappear.
But I had been asked to be his buddy, and I had it in me to be nice to him. So, getting over my embarrassment at being seen talking to Jimmy, I dutifully showed him where his next class was, where to eat lunch, and what to wear for PE and answered any questions Jimmy had. If I was anything at school, I was always nice.
Despite these efforts to be nice, many of my peers were truly awful to poor Jimmy. When they had finished with him, he’d often drift away, a tear in his eye, chewing away on his jumper again.
At home, I imagine that after school, his mum would say, “How was your day, Jimmy?” and he’d say, “Oh, fine, mum.” And his mum would say, “Make any new friends?” and he’d go, “Sure, lots.”
Later, when walking home, I sometimes saw him hanging around at home, sitting alone in his front yard, as if afraid to leave it.
And then, one day, he just left.
No epic tragedy, no big leaving party, and no notice. One day, he was there; the next, he was gone.
End of story.
Now, why do I regret that? Why, thirty years later, am I still thinking about it? Compared to most other kids, I thought I was pretty nice to Jimmy. I never said an unkind word to him, but still, it bothers me.
So here is the answer to that question, “Damian, what do you regret most in your life?”
I regret the moments in my life when I have missed the opportunity to be kind. There were moments when another person was there in front of me, suffering, and I responded sensibly, reservedly, decently, and nicely.
But let me ask you a question now:
Who in your life do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth? Who was there for you when you needed them?
I bet it those who were kind to you.
Indeed, I’d say that as a goal in life, you could do worse than Try to be kinder.
So my start-of-year message is this, folks:
Don’t try to be nice. Try to be kind.
Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well.
Being kind is when you care about people and show them that you care.
Sometimes, you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them, and you can also be nice to someone but also be unkind.
Being nice centres on pleasing others and being polite to avoid offending. Nice is saying hello. Nice is smiling. Nice is holding the door open. Nice is easy.
Being kind is listening, being kind is selfless, and putting other people’s needs before your own. Kind is hard.
I never asked Jimmy how he was. I never asked myself what I could do to help Jimmy settle into school.
The truth is I was nice to Jimmy, but I was not kind.
And that’s my greatest regret.
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